hard place and elusive balance

Yesterday we visited friends in Chicago. Close friends. Kin, really, and, as it works with family (as the previous post elucidates), the relationships are often based upon shared history and the promise of continued contact, perceptions of acceptance and support, etc. Shared interests and opinions just don't count for much with family.

I think one of the reasons I have trouble forming friendships is the fact that I grew up in such a large family network and small community network. When there are only 6 kids in your grade and you're surrounded by extended family, you don't have a lot of opportunity to engage in much interest group socializing and boundary making when it comes to friends and cliques. Even now I have a hard time figuring out who my friends or potential friends are so I generally default to the approach-everyone-and-let-them-decide strategy of discerning who might think I am worth counting as a friend (given my characteristics as well as the individual's resources for forming and maintaining relationships). I tend to offer about 4 chances unless I am totally blown off in which case the "one last chance" rule comes into effect.

Anyway, I digress. That is not what I intended to post about at all. This is what I intended to post:

Yesterday in Chicago, one of the kin we got together was Dr. D. He's basically the kin equivalent of an in-law being that he is the kin of our kin. Dr. D has his own sad story which I may tell some day but suffice it to say for present purposes that he is an elitist and quite sexist. Over the years I have tolerated these flaws without comment but lately it's grating on me. The big issue is that he clearly dismisses me as anything but a brainless child-producing organism. For example, when we first saw him yesterday he and my partner exchanged their usual pleasantries:
"Dr."
"Counselor."
and then engaged in a lengthy discussion in which Dr. D asked my partner a great many questions about how his work was going, what research he was working on, etc. Some time later Dr. D turned to me and said, "How's it going, Mommy?" Not really waiting for a response, he turned to E to tell her how darling she is. We've had conversations in which I basically had to bully my way in saying something along the lines of, "You know, this is actually my area and I would like to make a contribution to this conversation if you think you can comprehend the wisdom of a social scientist."

Of course, it works the other way too. When E was quite young I would bring her to campus for my dissertation group and meetings with my advisors. Often I would bump into folks from the program and the first thing out of their mouths was "How is the dissertation going?" I took offense that folks would see my standing there with my new baby and not recognize that my dissertation wasn't really a priority at the moment. I felt like they were implicitly critical of my decision to rear a child.

So, yeah, damned if you do and damned if you don't I guess.