Somewhere along the way I lost my nerve.
I'd love to get my confidence back but the tricky thing is, who is making an accurate appraisal of the situation: the potentially megalomaniacal me that entered a doctoral program certain that the department's decision not to fund me was no indication of my potential; or the stuttering, nail-biting, second-guessing me that sees the departmental decision not to offer funding as the first in a long line of actions and decisions that I should take to indicate my status as a second-rate graduate student with limited potential?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
How to be OK with it, corollary
I think the next thing you have to do is realize that you're nothing special.
When I was a kid my mother always said that she saw me as a politician's wife because I was smart and loved a good debate, or a news anchor because I could really shine in front of a crowd. I wanted nothing more than to be the next child star on "Little House on the Prairie," follow in the footsteps of Samantha Smith in bringing an end to the cold war, and, eventually, be a famous* political activist and author.
At some point you look up and realize that you're just an ordinary person who is leading an ordinary life and that what you do is just a job. To make more of it than that is pure arrogance.
*Further, you realize that famous is probably the wrong word. After all, Durkheim, Noam Chomsky, Thurgood Marshall -- these names are largely unknown in society-at-large.
When I was a kid my mother always said that she saw me as a politician's wife because I was smart and loved a good debate, or a news anchor because I could really shine in front of a crowd. I wanted nothing more than to be the next child star on "Little House on the Prairie," follow in the footsteps of Samantha Smith in bringing an end to the cold war, and, eventually, be a famous* political activist and author.
At some point you look up and realize that you're just an ordinary person who is leading an ordinary life and that what you do is just a job. To make more of it than that is pure arrogance.
*Further, you realize that famous is probably the wrong word. After all, Durkheim, Noam Chomsky, Thurgood Marshall -- these names are largely unknown in society-at-large.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
How to be OK with it, Part I
I think the first step is realizing that you're nothing special.
Shortly after my mom died, I found myself in Barcelona. There is a thousand-year-old cathedral in the old city. The cathedral itself is built on part of the old roman wall. At one time that old city was new. If you walk along the north wall of the cathedral, you can touch cuts in the stone laying at about waist level. Those grooves in the wall, according to locals I spoke with, were created over many years by roman sentinels sharpening their swords. When you place your hand in the grooves, the stone feels cool and smooth. You can stand in front of the cathedral on the same stones that millions of people, mostly long gone and forgotten and, likely as not, unremarked upon in life have walked.
There, in the center of an old city shortly after my mother's passing, I was first struck by the enormity of humanity and the insignificance of the single life.
There is no shame in being one of the nameless and faceless millions who pass through this world quietly. For every Churchill and Shakespeare there are hundreds of lesser known leaders and poets whose memories fade quietly and for each of those there are thousands more whose abilities to organize men and create verse are never noted at all.
I am not suggesting that these lives don't matter. Each of us contributes to the crush and clamor of life at minimum through contact - just like the bouncing electrons we learn about in high school physics. Perhaps, through our everyday efforts we make the world a better place in some George-Bailey-ish kind of way, doing good that produces good. But there is no harm in being unknown and forgotten. Even George Bailey was unknown outside of Bedford Falls.
Shortly after my mom died, I found myself in Barcelona. There is a thousand-year-old cathedral in the old city. The cathedral itself is built on part of the old roman wall. At one time that old city was new. If you walk along the north wall of the cathedral, you can touch cuts in the stone laying at about waist level. Those grooves in the wall, according to locals I spoke with, were created over many years by roman sentinels sharpening their swords. When you place your hand in the grooves, the stone feels cool and smooth. You can stand in front of the cathedral on the same stones that millions of people, mostly long gone and forgotten and, likely as not, unremarked upon in life have walked.
There, in the center of an old city shortly after my mother's passing, I was first struck by the enormity of humanity and the insignificance of the single life.
There is no shame in being one of the nameless and faceless millions who pass through this world quietly. For every Churchill and Shakespeare there are hundreds of lesser known leaders and poets whose memories fade quietly and for each of those there are thousands more whose abilities to organize men and create verse are never noted at all.
I am not suggesting that these lives don't matter. Each of us contributes to the crush and clamor of life at minimum through contact - just like the bouncing electrons we learn about in high school physics. Perhaps, through our everyday efforts we make the world a better place in some George-Bailey-ish kind of way, doing good that produces good. But there is no harm in being unknown and forgotten. Even George Bailey was unknown outside of Bedford Falls.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Book: Nathan Glazer (1997) We Are All Multiculturalists Now
This is primarily a conjectural and doctrinal piece. How nice it must be to be at the point in your career when you can produce books in which the validity of your statements are derived from the fact that it is you making them!
Glazer is mostly critical of the multicultural push, particularly in primary and secondary education. He suggests that multiculturalism is a necessary evil, if you will, a result of the failure of civil rights era reforms to assimilate African Americans. Glazer believes African American assimilation will occur eventually but, the fact that African Americans are alone (he cites evidence that suggests Hispanics and Asians will assimilate in much the same way that earlier immigrant groups did) in failing to assimilate has undercut support for the belief in an eventual race-less American identity. Glazer laments the loss of attention to core American values and mourns the passing of the relative truth of the old "western civilization" perspective on history. He asks if the "center will hold" given erosion of belief in the possibility of americanization, etc.
Glazer is mostly critical of the multicultural push, particularly in primary and secondary education. He suggests that multiculturalism is a necessary evil, if you will, a result of the failure of civil rights era reforms to assimilate African Americans. Glazer believes African American assimilation will occur eventually but, the fact that African Americans are alone (he cites evidence that suggests Hispanics and Asians will assimilate in much the same way that earlier immigrant groups did) in failing to assimilate has undercut support for the belief in an eventual race-less American identity. Glazer laments the loss of attention to core American values and mourns the passing of the relative truth of the old "western civilization" perspective on history. He asks if the "center will hold" given erosion of belief in the possibility of americanization, etc.
Gut reaction: Thank you, Mr. Glazer, for your service. Your contributions will not be forgotten. But with all due respect, sir, you have taken us as far as you are able.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Football or baseball?
For me it's football but it used to be baseball and while I was walking the dogs this morning I was thinking that my switch to football parallels my move away from numbers.
I started college as a math major but grew frustrated with what I experienced as a gaping, yawning, dark and menacing chasm between the increasing abstraction you experience in upper-level mathematics and, you know, LIFE. In grad school I developed a similar aversion to quantitative work - it feels so far from the nitty gritty that makes things interesting and real.
Don't get me wrong, I loved logic and advanced calc and analysis and all that but it seemed empty and disconnected -maybe kind of like what Lacan says about the slipping of signifiers - in my mind it started being little more than brain candy. Anyway, former little leaguer and citizen of Red Sox Nation I may be, but baseball is a little like that- batting averages, pitching stats, a large sample, all this attention focused on the pitcher facing the batter while everyone else stands aside. Give me a short season with weather and lots of folks on the field contributing to the success/failure or each play. It's messy, unpredictable and complicated in its simplicity (4 tries for 10 yards).
So, yeah, that's what I was thinking about.
I started college as a math major but grew frustrated with what I experienced as a gaping, yawning, dark and menacing chasm between the increasing abstraction you experience in upper-level mathematics and, you know, LIFE. In grad school I developed a similar aversion to quantitative work - it feels so far from the nitty gritty that makes things interesting and real.
Don't get me wrong, I loved logic and advanced calc and analysis and all that but it seemed empty and disconnected -maybe kind of like what Lacan says about the slipping of signifiers - in my mind it started being little more than brain candy. Anyway, former little leaguer and citizen of Red Sox Nation I may be, but baseball is a little like that- batting averages, pitching stats, a large sample, all this attention focused on the pitcher facing the batter while everyone else stands aside. Give me a short season with weather and lots of folks on the field contributing to the success/failure or each play. It's messy, unpredictable and complicated in its simplicity (4 tries for 10 yards).
So, yeah, that's what I was thinking about.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Time Capsule
We're coming up upon the 6th (!) anniversary of my mother's death. As you might imagine, her absence is a bit more conspicuous right now. At any rate, I decided to google her and came across the most random llittle time capsule. My island home may be a low-end Martha's Vineyard now. Back in 1977, however, it was a backwater fishing village. I think I am personally acquainted with every person named.
I wonder if this is why my mom's favorite remedies were vinegar, salt water(especially the Atlantic Ocean), baking soda, witch hazel, and freshly squeezed carrot juice.
I wonder if this is why my mom's favorite remedies were vinegar, salt water(especially the Atlantic Ocean), baking soda, witch hazel, and freshly squeezed carrot juice.
2006 award for best use of a dying word goes too...
I've been trying to get a picture of a Hernia Moving Truck for as long as I've been in Milwaukee. Today I finally gave in and found one using Google Images.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
You know, she doesn't look black. In fact, she is just about the whitest black person I've ever seen.
This morning I received this email from a colleague:
The other thing is that this (having it assumed that I'm not white as a result of my research or position) has happened to me a few times now.
I just want to remind [you] about our commitment to Africology 2/22. Our topic is posted as BLACK PhD STUDENTS in the US: Panel on Graduate Education. I'm sorry I have been so busy and gone most of January so this one got away from me. I don't expect a big crowd. I anticipate a casual discussion about our road to graduate studies including a brief discussion about our work.I responded:
Per your request here's my CV. So, my question is, is it OK that I'm white? I certainly am happy to present but I'm not in a position to speak on the topic of being a black doctoral student.Colleague replied:
I know, [islander]. Don't sweat it. You can certainly talk about doing "minority" studies and some of your experiences in that area. I believe that the chair of Africology thinks we're all black..The thing is, though I study race and ethnicity, "minority studies" doesn't really work either because, pathetic as it may be, I am mostly interested in "diversity" as a cultural imperative organizing our everyday approaches to difference.
The other thing is that this (having it assumed that I'm not white as a result of my research or position) has happened to me a few times now.
jitters
E's dad just took her out to breakfast. He's cared for her while I was gone many times but this is the first time he's taken her anywhere (in the car) alone and the first time I've been home without her since she was born 5 1/2 months ago! It feels creepy. I'm going to campus.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Thanks, Rob (from Watershed, from Birdfarm)! I couldn't have said it better myself!
The cloud
cover so when
she is holding E,
and
the opportunity to bed it all
the sun disappeared again
See the first 5 months¦ Preferred infant
toy: My head
right now,
I do you please! posted by
islander,
3 or
the ability to be all
reminds me
hold the clouds for a
Better Birth. Pregnancy and lettuce?
Grandma: but at
work. or the intervention train
Both set the first teeth? posted by
islander, continues to some indicators
of the
kind of soup?
Great Grandma: Let her songs. I was 7
You feel sadness
just sticking to just use
of her as we let her face
cover so when
she is holding E,
and
the opportunity to bed it all
the sun disappeared again
See the first 5 months¦ Preferred infant
toy: My head
right now,
I do you please! posted by
islander,
3 or
the ability to be all
reminds me
hold the clouds for a
Better Birth. Pregnancy and lettuce?
Grandma: but at
work. or the intervention train
Both set the first teeth? posted by
islander, continues to some indicators
of the
kind of soup?
Great Grandma: Let her songs. I was 7
You feel sadness
just sticking to just use
of her as we let her face
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
| You Are 40% Abnormal |
 You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
Friday, February 03, 2006
nothing to complain about
things are going well. quite well, actually. i'm enjoying my teaching. i like my neighborhood. the department in which i am teaching treats me like one of their own. the sun came out this afternoon. i took E to the children's museum on the bus. E and i walked the dogs for a long time between her 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. naps. we're making pad thai for dinner.
but, still, i feel lonely and pathetic today. it's one of those days when i can feel sadness just sticking to the back half of my eyeballs -- if that makes any sense at all.
it would be nice if i lived close to family or had a close friend or two within shouting distance.
but, still, i feel lonely and pathetic today. it's one of those days when i can feel sadness just sticking to the back half of my eyeballs -- if that makes any sense at all.
it would be nice if i lived close to family or had a close friend or two within shouting distance.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
since at present I seem to be all about "Print Screen"...
Back in high school, all the beer-loving popular kids were on the student council.
Could it be that the campus fake id industry is a casualty of the war on terror?
Could it be that the campus fake id industry is a casualty of the war on terror?
since at present I seem to be in the business of endorsments...
E is definitely a music fan. A few days ago she started kicking her feet in time to whatever I was playing. Yesterday she figured out that she could bang her toys in time as well. Anyway, I've made "fun-time" and "naptime" playlists of the songs she seems to like best. I really enjoy her "fun-time" songs. I like them so much, in fact, that I often have the blue beasti (my mini) play them on my walk to work.
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