I was recently introduced to "The Grey Album" by DJ Danger Mouse. I guess I am a little behind because MTV was writing about the downloading frenzy over this album a year ago. The album is a remix of vocals from Jay-Z's "Black Album" and music and beats from the Beatle's "White Album." It is quite good. Apparently it has never been distributed because of copyright issues - too bad. I don't often recommend music and I would love to in this case.
Best Grey Album tracks:
#2 - What more can I say
#4 - December 4th
#9 - Allure
#12 - My 1st Song - clever lyrics despite the derogatory reference to women
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Q: Do I exist? Am I awful to be around? Am I hopelessly humdrum?
Let's look at some recent evidence:
1. Even though I posted on sconnie of Monday, Lisa writes on Wednesday that "Not only am I the only person who posts here anymore..."
2. I spoke with someone last week about needing a dissertation support group. While she said that she has no time for such groups, I found out today that she is in a group which just met for the first time.
3. The other night, I went out to dinner with my partner and his uncle. They each cut me off mid-sentence at least once without even appearing to notice they had done so.
A: While there is not enough evidence to make a ruling on the status of my existence, it is clear from the data that, if I do exist, people would prefer to avoid being in my presence and, if required to be around me, choose to ignore me to the greatest extent possible.
1. Even though I posted on sconnie of Monday, Lisa writes on Wednesday that "Not only am I the only person who posts here anymore..."
2. I spoke with someone last week about needing a dissertation support group. While she said that she has no time for such groups, I found out today that she is in a group which just met for the first time.
3. The other night, I went out to dinner with my partner and his uncle. They each cut me off mid-sentence at least once without even appearing to notice they had done so.
A: While there is not enough evidence to make a ruling on the status of my existence, it is clear from the data that, if I do exist, people would prefer to avoid being in my presence and, if required to be around me, choose to ignore me to the greatest extent possible.
Cleaning up
We have always cleaned house on Saturday mornings - splitting the job nearly 50-50. However, Jason cares more about tidiness (having everything put away - no piles - even on the desk). I am more a proponent of cleanliness - wiping down everything and insuring there is no dust or dirt anywhere. We make a pretty good cleaning team although we both hate to do floors and the bathrooms.
Anyway, a pending change in our family status led Jason to suggest that we think about a house cleaner every couple of weeks. The cleaner could do the floors and the significant wiping down that I think is important and we could stay on top of the general tidiness and every day cleaning. Sounds good, right?
Today the cleaner is coming for the second time. For the second time, I've gotten up early completely stressed out about how messy the house is and how this cleaning person is going to show up and see what slobs we are. So, I spent about an hour cleaning. I didn't do the floors and the bathrooms - my least favorite chores. I guess it is nice to have someone to take care of the bathroom and the floors.
Anyway, a pending change in our family status led Jason to suggest that we think about a house cleaner every couple of weeks. The cleaner could do the floors and the significant wiping down that I think is important and we could stay on top of the general tidiness and every day cleaning. Sounds good, right?
Today the cleaner is coming for the second time. For the second time, I've gotten up early completely stressed out about how messy the house is and how this cleaning person is going to show up and see what slobs we are. So, I spent about an hour cleaning. I didn't do the floors and the bathrooms - my least favorite chores. I guess it is nice to have someone to take care of the bathroom and the floors.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
just like old times
Rowbear is melting down a little as a result of dad's news. As he is abroad, he suggests communicating over AOL Instant Messenger. I haven't IM'ed anyone since 1999. In fact, I'm a little surprised, given the rapid pace of technological advancement, that Instant Messenger is still out there. I downloaded the program and found, much to my surprise, that my "handle" is still good.
It all came back so quickly. The smileys, the sound effects, the little yellow guy. Ah... the halcyon days of my youth!
It all came back so quickly. The smileys, the sound effects, the little yellow guy. Ah... the halcyon days of my youth!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
keep in touch, deuxieme
My older brother sent the following email to the sibs:
News from Dad....
Friday March 25th (Good Friday)
4:30 PM
[location]
There will be a wedding ceremony. Dad's and Mary's. It is for [the family]. For those that can't make it, Dad says we will have a get together this summer. If you are able to attend or want to know more, contact Dad.
I responded:
Jason and I won't make it - we'll be in Alaska. Furthermore, I won't be up to traveling this summer. My last big trip will be out to Maine in May.
My brother Rowbear, who will not even be back from Paris until April, writes:
ah. WTF? J'en ai marre.
I spoke with Dad the other night about including us, I really did. How awful it seems to be turning out.
News from Dad....
Friday March 25th (Good Friday)
4:30 PM
[location]
There will be a wedding ceremony. Dad's and Mary's. It is for [the family]. For those that can't make it, Dad says we will have a get together this summer. If you are able to attend or want to know more, contact Dad.
I responded:
Jason and I won't make it - we'll be in Alaska. Furthermore, I won't be up to traveling this summer. My last big trip will be out to Maine in May.
My brother Rowbear, who will not even be back from Paris until April, writes:
ah. WTF? J'en ai marre.
I spoke with Dad the other night about including us, I really did. How awful it seems to be turning out.
Monday, February 14, 2005
i've got nothing
I am really, seriously, in trouble with this dissertation. I've just got nothing. In my meeting with my adviser last week, I was charged with writing an informal memo - which I should be sending out this morning - taking stock of the project at this point.
According to my notes, the memo should address the following issues:
Summarize where I think the project stands – in terms of where its going and what it is about – how my sense of the problem has shifted – where I'm at with data collection and where I’m thinking is the most profitable way to go. What is this a case of? What are the larger sociological concerns? What does intensive study of one case tell us about other cases? Cases of what? What are the different angles and possibilities? Where I have what kinds of data and how much and how interesting? What links to theoretical ideas and debates going on in literature.
The thing is, from where I am sitting right now, I just can't see the whole project. I can sit for hours and talk to you about how it seems from my perspective that:
1. Assumptions about an American baseline cultural knowledge of what race is and how one orients toward racial difference are largely erroneous.
2. Common diagnoses of the root of racial tensions often fail to take this basic fact into account and, consequently, center on a few issues (e.g. personal and structural racism) at the expense of others (e.g. concrete difficulties stemming, for example, from cultural differences).
3. Subsequent efforts at easing racial tensions, therefore, are incomplete in that A) they are generally focused on "the inner racist" or racist institutions and often culminate in requiring individuals to "recognize that they have racism inside them," and b) leave no space for folks to identify or develop strategies for dealing with other issues (e.g. miscommunication, the cultural space in which their actions are judged to be racially/culturally appropriate/inappropriate) that can be addressed more effectively than bigotry because they yield concrete strategies for action.
So, yeah, that's what I think. Do I have enough data? I don't know - how much is enough? What is this a case of? What are the larger sociological concerns? How is this related to theoretical ideas and debates going on in the literature?
Someone kill me please because not getting my degree really isn't an option - my family would be so disappointed. I would die of shame.
According to my notes, the memo should address the following issues:
Summarize where I think the project stands – in terms of where its going and what it is about – how my sense of the problem has shifted – where I'm at with data collection and where I’m thinking is the most profitable way to go. What is this a case of? What are the larger sociological concerns? What does intensive study of one case tell us about other cases? Cases of what? What are the different angles and possibilities? Where I have what kinds of data and how much and how interesting? What links to theoretical ideas and debates going on in literature.
The thing is, from where I am sitting right now, I just can't see the whole project. I can sit for hours and talk to you about how it seems from my perspective that:
1. Assumptions about an American baseline cultural knowledge of what race is and how one orients toward racial difference are largely erroneous.
2. Common diagnoses of the root of racial tensions often fail to take this basic fact into account and, consequently, center on a few issues (e.g. personal and structural racism) at the expense of others (e.g. concrete difficulties stemming, for example, from cultural differences).
3. Subsequent efforts at easing racial tensions, therefore, are incomplete in that A) they are generally focused on "the inner racist" or racist institutions and often culminate in requiring individuals to "recognize that they have racism inside them," and b) leave no space for folks to identify or develop strategies for dealing with other issues (e.g. miscommunication, the cultural space in which their actions are judged to be racially/culturally appropriate/inappropriate) that can be addressed more effectively than bigotry because they yield concrete strategies for action.
So, yeah, that's what I think. Do I have enough data? I don't know - how much is enough? What is this a case of? What are the larger sociological concerns? How is this related to theoretical ideas and debates going on in the literature?
Someone kill me please because not getting my degree really isn't an option - my family would be so disappointed. I would die of shame.
Friday, February 11, 2005
fragile equilibrium - welcome to my world
the dentist today - a new one - seems OK
something noteworthy about Milwaukee - best timed street lights ever - no waiting for both motorists and pedestrians - seriously, I've never been anywhere with better-timed lights
things not to do if you want to feel OK: go too long after getting up before having a bite to eat; eating rice because it BINDS you right up; staying up too late; skipping the gym; letting too much toothpaste lather build up in your mouth while brushing; eating a whole lot of Sour Patch Kids because you really want something sweet and sour and with artificial orange; not drinking water because you are SO GODDAMN TIRED OF DRINKING WATER ALL THE TIME!
something noteworthy about Milwaukee - best timed street lights ever - no waiting for both motorists and pedestrians - seriously, I've never been anywhere with better-timed lights
things not to do if you want to feel OK: go too long after getting up before having a bite to eat; eating rice because it BINDS you right up; staying up too late; skipping the gym; letting too much toothpaste lather build up in your mouth while brushing; eating a whole lot of Sour Patch Kids because you really want something sweet and sour and with artificial orange; not drinking water because you are SO GODDAMN TIRED OF DRINKING WATER ALL THE TIME!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
keep in touch
I stayed with my cousin on my recent trip. Because my parents got married in their early thirties, much older than their siblings who, almost without exception, married right out of high school, most of my cousins, many of whom also started families right out of high school, have children that are not much younger than I. The cousin with whom I was staying, Janet, has a daughter who is 22 and living in Florida. Janet and Lisa spoke on the phone several times every day - generally Lisa made the phone call. Janet knows absolutely EVERYTHING about Lisa's life and vice versa. Both the quantity of time spent conversing and the extent to which all details were shared struck me as kind of odd but then events transpired that caused me to wonder if, perhaps, I am the strange one.
I am the second oldest of six. I can never remember a time when either of my parents took interest in the details of my daily life. That is not to say that they were bad or disinterested parents, just that there was too much going on for each of us to get that much personal/private time. So, even when I lived at home, my parents were informed of what was going on with me on a "need to know" and "I want to tell you" basis. Once I went off to college, I was rarely in touch. I probably spoke with my Mom twice a month. She filled me in on what everyone else was up to. It never struck me as odd that I did not speak with my siblings or father for months on end. Furthermore, I still felt close to my family - I always called home right away when the situation demanded it - a broken heart, an honor received, a book recommendation. To this day I feel perfectly happy and comfortable sitting around the kitchen table with my siblings even if we haven't spoken in months because I know that our bond doesn't hinge upon the minutiae that I missed out on since I last saw them.
Anyway, it appears that my dad was never fully versed on the intricacies of intrafamily communication. When I called him to let him know I would be home and wanted to get together he told me that the first weekend he would be away in Connecticut visiting a "lady friend." I had heard a couple of rumors from my older brother that dad had been doing a lot of talking on the phone with one woman in particular and that dad went down to Boston to meet her for the weekend a couple of times. I was curious but figured that my dad would tell me about this woman when and if there became reason to do so. Well, when I saw him Sunday, the first thing he said to me is, "I've got to talk to you about Mary (apparently his "lady friend's" name) because..." (long pause in which he looks pleadingly at me hoping that I will bail him out).
"Because you're getting serious?"
He responded with a nod of encouragement.
"Are you getting married?"
"We've talked about it."
It took me a full 30 minutes to piece together the entire situation from the vague utterances he was able to choke up. She is a widow, 6 months his junior, from Portland originally but has lived all over, they met through dad's sister's second husband, he met her children and grandchildren in Connecticut last weekend and she was up in Portland this weekend. He took her out to eat at a fancy restaurant and PROPOSED to her, ring and all. She accepted. He would likely be moving to Connecticut and selling the house on the island. She is a good egg, except that she is a little conservative and "evangelical."
"Have you told any of my brothers and sister about this?" I asked, knowing full well that most of them probably had no idea he was seeing anyone in particular..
"No. I thought you could let everyone know." This was not surprising. It has become my job in my family to deliver big news. I was the first beside my mom to know that her cancer was terminal. My mom couldn't tell anyone so she brought me into a consultation with the doctor and the doctor told me. I told everyone else. When my mom died, I was in a motel in Syracuse, having just quit my job in Chicago, driving all of my possessions back home in a Ryder truck so I could take care of my mom. Dad told me and I called my siblings from the Knights' Inn.
"Absolutely not. This is your news and you need to call everyone right away. This is a big deal, dad."
"I suppose you're right."
"Am I going to get a chance to meet your fiancée?"
"Maybe sometime."
That night as I lay in bed, my dad's news hit me like a ton of bricks. We all have been hoping that he would remarry but I guess I expected I would get a chance to get to know the person. Not necessarily before the engagement or anything but EVENTUALLLY. I guess I thought that we were important enough to my dad that he would want to connect his shiny new life with the life he has lived for the last 35 years. At this point, she is completely blameless because if anyone should have seen to it that she met his kids, it would be him. I was in town when she was, for pete's sake.
I know, I know. Cut him some slack. Widower remarrying - it's difficult and confusing for him. Yes, yes, I grant him that but if he doesn't incorporate us into his new life up front, how in the world will he squeeze us in later? I would like just a little reciprocity when it comes to empathy! I'm down to my last parent as it is.
I am the second oldest of six. I can never remember a time when either of my parents took interest in the details of my daily life. That is not to say that they were bad or disinterested parents, just that there was too much going on for each of us to get that much personal/private time. So, even when I lived at home, my parents were informed of what was going on with me on a "need to know" and "I want to tell you" basis. Once I went off to college, I was rarely in touch. I probably spoke with my Mom twice a month. She filled me in on what everyone else was up to. It never struck me as odd that I did not speak with my siblings or father for months on end. Furthermore, I still felt close to my family - I always called home right away when the situation demanded it - a broken heart, an honor received, a book recommendation. To this day I feel perfectly happy and comfortable sitting around the kitchen table with my siblings even if we haven't spoken in months because I know that our bond doesn't hinge upon the minutiae that I missed out on since I last saw them.
Anyway, it appears that my dad was never fully versed on the intricacies of intrafamily communication. When I called him to let him know I would be home and wanted to get together he told me that the first weekend he would be away in Connecticut visiting a "lady friend." I had heard a couple of rumors from my older brother that dad had been doing a lot of talking on the phone with one woman in particular and that dad went down to Boston to meet her for the weekend a couple of times. I was curious but figured that my dad would tell me about this woman when and if there became reason to do so. Well, when I saw him Sunday, the first thing he said to me is, "I've got to talk to you about Mary (apparently his "lady friend's" name) because..." (long pause in which he looks pleadingly at me hoping that I will bail him out).
"Because you're getting serious?"
He responded with a nod of encouragement.
"Are you getting married?"
"We've talked about it."
It took me a full 30 minutes to piece together the entire situation from the vague utterances he was able to choke up. She is a widow, 6 months his junior, from Portland originally but has lived all over, they met through dad's sister's second husband, he met her children and grandchildren in Connecticut last weekend and she was up in Portland this weekend. He took her out to eat at a fancy restaurant and PROPOSED to her, ring and all. She accepted. He would likely be moving to Connecticut and selling the house on the island. She is a good egg, except that she is a little conservative and "evangelical."
"Have you told any of my brothers and sister about this?" I asked, knowing full well that most of them probably had no idea he was seeing anyone in particular..
"No. I thought you could let everyone know." This was not surprising. It has become my job in my family to deliver big news. I was the first beside my mom to know that her cancer was terminal. My mom couldn't tell anyone so she brought me into a consultation with the doctor and the doctor told me. I told everyone else. When my mom died, I was in a motel in Syracuse, having just quit my job in Chicago, driving all of my possessions back home in a Ryder truck so I could take care of my mom. Dad told me and I called my siblings from the Knights' Inn.
"Absolutely not. This is your news and you need to call everyone right away. This is a big deal, dad."
"I suppose you're right."
"Am I going to get a chance to meet your fiancée?"
"Maybe sometime."
That night as I lay in bed, my dad's news hit me like a ton of bricks. We all have been hoping that he would remarry but I guess I expected I would get a chance to get to know the person. Not necessarily before the engagement or anything but EVENTUALLLY. I guess I thought that we were important enough to my dad that he would want to connect his shiny new life with the life he has lived for the last 35 years. At this point, she is completely blameless because if anyone should have seen to it that she met his kids, it would be him. I was in town when she was, for pete's sake.
I know, I know. Cut him some slack. Widower remarrying - it's difficult and confusing for him. Yes, yes, I grant him that but if he doesn't incorporate us into his new life up front, how in the world will he squeeze us in later? I would like just a little reciprocity when it comes to empathy! I'm down to my last parent as it is.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
final days
1. The first time I was ever conscious of the smell of the ocean was when I arrived at the ferry terminal upon my return from a month-long student exchange in Arkangel'sk, Russia. Although I had lived on the water all my life, it took significant time away - my third fourth trip out of Maine & New Hampshire ever for me to understand that the ocean has a smell. It's the all-the-time smell I am talking about, not the fishy briny smell of low tide and exposed mudflats, but instead the fresh and cool smell of the air circulating over the salt water.
2. I went to the island on Sunday. No one was at the house so I was on my own. I took advantage of the warm weather and the sunshine to "take a lap." An amazing thing about the island is how much it will always be home to me. Soon my dad will sell the house and I will no longer have family out there, but it will still be home. First, there are the people who still know me - who stop me to find out how everyone is doing and to ask what I am up to these days. Then there is the place itself - whaleback rock, the tablerocks, big little rock, sandy beach, Brackett cemetery, and the familiar views of Portland Head, Ram Island Ledge Light, Halfway Rock Light, Junk of Pork, Inner Green, and Outer Green. It is as if I belong to the place - not that the place is mine. Long after I am dead and forgotten much of what I know about the island will still be true.
2. I went to the island on Sunday. No one was at the house so I was on my own. I took advantage of the warm weather and the sunshine to "take a lap." An amazing thing about the island is how much it will always be home to me. Soon my dad will sell the house and I will no longer have family out there, but it will still be home. First, there are the people who still know me - who stop me to find out how everyone is doing and to ask what I am up to these days. Then there is the place itself - whaleback rock, the tablerocks, big little rock, sandy beach, Brackett cemetery, and the familiar views of Portland Head, Ram Island Ledge Light, Halfway Rock Light, Junk of Pork, Inner Green, and Outer Green. It is as if I belong to the place - not that the place is mine. Long after I am dead and forgotten much of what I know about the island will still be true.
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