keep in touch

I stayed with my cousin on my recent trip. Because my parents got married in their early thirties, much older than their siblings who, almost without exception, married right out of high school, most of my cousins, many of whom also started families right out of high school, have children that are not much younger than I. The cousin with whom I was staying, Janet, has a daughter who is 22 and living in Florida. Janet and Lisa spoke on the phone several times every day - generally Lisa made the phone call. Janet knows absolutely EVERYTHING about Lisa's life and vice versa. Both the quantity of time spent conversing and the extent to which all details were shared struck me as kind of odd but then events transpired that caused me to wonder if, perhaps, I am the strange one.

I am the second oldest of six. I can never remember a time when either of my parents took interest in the details of my daily life. That is not to say that they were bad or disinterested parents, just that there was too much going on for each of us to get that much personal/private time. So, even when I lived at home, my parents were informed of what was going on with me on a "need to know" and "I want to tell you" basis. Once I went off to college, I was rarely in touch. I probably spoke with my Mom twice a month. She filled me in on what everyone else was up to. It never struck me as odd that I did not speak with my siblings or father for months on end. Furthermore, I still felt close to my family - I always called home right away when the situation demanded it - a broken heart, an honor received, a book recommendation. To this day I feel perfectly happy and comfortable sitting around the kitchen table with my siblings even if we haven't spoken in months because I know that our bond doesn't hinge upon the minutiae that I missed out on since I last saw them.

Anyway, it appears that my dad was never fully versed on the intricacies of intrafamily communication. When I called him to let him know I would be home and wanted to get together he told me that the first weekend he would be away in Connecticut visiting a "lady friend." I had heard a couple of rumors from my older brother that dad had been doing a lot of talking on the phone with one woman in particular and that dad went down to Boston to meet her for the weekend a couple of times. I was curious but figured that my dad would tell me about this woman when and if there became reason to do so. Well, when I saw him Sunday, the first thing he said to me is, "I've got to talk to you about Mary (apparently his "lady friend's" name) because..." (long pause in which he looks pleadingly at me hoping that I will bail him out).
"Because you're getting serious?"
He responded with a nod of encouragement.
"Are you getting married?"
"We've talked about it."
It took me a full 30 minutes to piece together the entire situation from the vague utterances he was able to choke up. She is a widow, 6 months his junior, from Portland originally but has lived all over, they met through dad's sister's second husband, he met her children and grandchildren in Connecticut last weekend and she was up in Portland this weekend. He took her out to eat at a fancy restaurant and PROPOSED to her, ring and all. She accepted. He would likely be moving to Connecticut and selling the house on the island. She is a good egg, except that she is a little conservative and "evangelical."
"Have you told any of my brothers and sister about this?" I asked, knowing full well that most of them probably had no idea he was seeing anyone in particular..
"No. I thought you could let everyone know." This was not surprising. It has become my job in my family to deliver big news. I was the first beside my mom to know that her cancer was terminal. My mom couldn't tell anyone so she brought me into a consultation with the doctor and the doctor told me. I told everyone else. When my mom died, I was in a motel in Syracuse, having just quit my job in Chicago, driving all of my possessions back home in a Ryder truck so I could take care of my mom. Dad told me and I called my siblings from the Knights' Inn.
"Absolutely not. This is your news and you need to call everyone right away. This is a big deal, dad."
"I suppose you're right."
"Am I going to get a chance to meet your fiancée?"
"Maybe sometime."

That night as I lay in bed, my dad's news hit me like a ton of bricks. We all have been hoping that he would remarry but I guess I expected I would get a chance to get to know the person. Not necessarily before the engagement or anything but EVENTUALLLY. I guess I thought that we were important enough to my dad that he would want to connect his shiny new life with the life he has lived for the last 35 years. At this point, she is completely blameless because if anyone should have seen to it that she met his kids, it would be him. I was in town when she was, for pete's sake.

I know, I know. Cut him some slack. Widower remarrying - it's difficult and confusing for him. Yes, yes, I grant him that but if he doesn't incorporate us into his new life up front, how in the world will he squeeze us in later? I would like just a little reciprocity when it comes to empathy! I'm down to my last parent as it is.