Gender failures

My brother Matt and his new wife, Heather, have decided to join us for Thanksgiving. I love all of my family by the two of them can be trying. I think that my struggles with Heather make me a little more sympathetic to my partner's mother's difficulty accepting me into the family. Last summer they stayed with us out in Maine for awhile. One night at our weekly family dinner, my dad, Matt, my partner, and I got into a good discussion about religion. What you need to understand about my family is that this is what we do. We get into debates concerning intellectual topics. My youngest brother, Robert, was an annoying pipsqueek when I left for college. The first indication I had that he might amount to more than a boring Playstation-addicted suburbanite jock as an adult came on the drive home after college graduation. We were in a huge van (13 passenger) full of the 8 of us and all of my things. Robert kept saying, "Let's have a debate!" We ended up comparing Freud and Jung (not my choice) and moving on to a debate about the merits of Kirkegaard. So, that is what we do: politics, religion, philosophy - pretty much anything that etiquette requires one not discuss - these are the stuff of our discussions at the dinner table.
Well, the night in question Heather left the table fairly quickly. She was followed shortly by Carrie, my other brother's fiancee. They had some kind of girly heart-to-heart in the other room while the four of us in the dining room continued our discussion. I found the discussion very enlightening and successful although my dad had a poor showing.
The next day Heather referred to our "argument" several times with obvious disdain. The first time I responded, "We're Smiths, this is what we do. I thought it was a great discussion." The second time I replied a bit tersely, "It wasn't an argument. It was a discussion." My brother rejoined, "A loud discussion. Perhaps a little too loud." I nearly knocked his block off for being whipped. Would they prefer that we replace our interesting and educational discussions of world religions with a run-down of the merits of the latest American Idol or our predictions for the Country Music Awards which Mark and Judy intended to watch later that evening? PUH-LEASE!!!
And then there is the whole gender thing. Heather and Carrie left the men-folk and myself in the dining room. When we finally left the dinner table we found them on the couch, holding hands. Carrie was crying, having obviously been sharing some deep hurt with Judy. That's fine. Carrie has tried to share her hurts with me in the past but I shut her down. I was just not feeling like I could be that person for her.
This is not the first time I have been on the wrong side of the gender divide when it comes to my experieences with Heather. There was the Mary Kay party that she dragged me to. We were each given a little thing with make-up samples. We were supposed to do our nails, apply eyeliner and lipliner, and engage in a host of discussions about our color palate, our failed relationships, etc. Well the thing is, I cannot stay within the lines when it comes to nail polish let alone applying eyeliner or lipliner, I don't talk about my relationships with strangers, and I do not have the slightest idea what my palate is although people tell me that I look good in purple. The whole afternoon was a disaster confirming me irrevocably as a failure as a woman. Then there was the "girls night" which was scheduled opposite a board game night hosted by my brother. Needless to say I would have preferred the board games but instead I found myself watching "Hope Floats" with a bunch of women who made baby and marriage jokes every time the plot would allow. The icing on the cake was just this past Christmas. Judy was talking about her impending wedding. She announced, looking in my direction, "I don't know how you can be a woman and not giggle planning a wedding." Fine then, I'm not a real woman. I am a broad-shouldered, opinionated, non-giggling non-woman.