Tuesday, March 21, 2006
ProCite v. EndNote
Saturday, March 18, 2006
life's work: be what you are
Then we moved on to speculate about what we would do if one of us died. I promptly said that I would move home to Maine. My spouse said that made sense. Then there was a brief pause.
"Would you do one thing for me, though?" he asked.
"Certainly." I replied.
"Well, I've got three papers that I'm working on right now. Do you think you could just finish them up and get them published? I've also got a few papers that are forthcoming so you'd need to get them through the editing process."
I began laughing. "Sure. My whole life will have come crashing down around me but I will make sure that humanity is not deprived of your scholarship."
"What's so funny?" he asked defensively, "Don't you want me to get your dissertation research completed and published if you die before you do?"
"No. I can't say that the world will be worse off if my dissertation never sees the light of day."
"That's not what I mean. Don't you just want to know that it's taken care of?"
"No, I doubt that, in the event of an untimely death, I would spend my final moments lamenting all the research projects I've never completed. Thanks, though."
This, I believe, is why my spouse is a rock star, a force to be reckoned with, a scholar and an academic. Me? Not so much.
Friday, March 17, 2006
lost equilibrium
It's been a tough semester for me so far. Although I really enjoy being back in the classroom and my spouse has been mostly fabulous about sharing childcare responsibilities, I'm just finding that I am stressed and overwhelmed much of the time. I get myself so worked up about parenting by obsessing over whether I'm doing OK and know enough to raise my child well. I feel completely anxiety-ridden about my career, wondering if I'll ever get my dissertation done, those presentations prepared, my lectures written and then, of course, there is the job market - if I'm not job-worthy then why continue to work toward finishing? Then, to top it off, the tensions really mount in the interface between work and parenting: will she let me sleep so I can function tomorrow? Will I be shooting myself in the foot by bringing my family along to this conference? Who will care for the baby during my lectures while her father is out of town? Sometimes it all crystallizes in full-blown panic. This is not good.
I'm hoping to take this week to get my chi back in balance. I plan to use this summer to inventory my resources and work on building some local community and support networks. It really is difficult to not have anyone but my spouse. My Chicago siblings are both moving west (one to IA and one to CA) over the summer so I won't have any family in driving distance. I need to adapt.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Modal/stereo/ideal Types
1. My undergraduate institution: nerds who attend class consistently, do the reading, and engage their study as a hobby as much as a chore. They don't really care too much about grades but that's probably because they've never really had to. They make no bones about the fact that they're living in the realm of ideas divorced from practical concerns and applications.
2. My graduate institution: hard-working students who attend class regularly and do the work. They tend to take a more instrumental approach to studying (e.g. how much do I have to do to get an 'A?') and care a great deal about their performance. The modal student at this institution reminds me of those over-achieving, anxiety-ridden, scholar-athlete, student-council types from high school. I'm just saying that's the sense I get.
3. Lectureship 1: these students didn't seem particularly interested in being undergraduates. They were enrolled in specific programs certifying them for specific jobs and did the bare minimum. The exception was the larger number of "alternative" students who were taking my course because they were in the 50s or so and enjoy studying. I loved those students.
4. Lectureship 2: these students definitely embrace the notion that college offers an extended adolescence for drinking and hanging out with contemporaries free from the responsibilities of adulthood and the watchful eyes of parents. They think nothing of skipping class, not turning in assignments, and performing poorly on exams. Because they see this as the way a college student behaves, however, the best and most engaged students in the class are just as likely to engage in these behaviors as the worst. I find that, within bounds, I really enjoy this no-nonsense, let's-skip-the-bullshit, I'm-here-for-the-party approach to undergraduate life. I don't hear from my students about why they didn't get an 'A' but they do come by my office hours when they are interested in the material. I guess what I mean to say is that they are more genuine in their interest when interested and, therefore, more of a challenge and more rewarding to teach than other types of students because the onus is on me to grab their attention and make the material matter to them personally.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Official beginning of the new year
*Last year the new year began on March 3.
Friday, March 03, 2006
[...]
HEY! Can't you hear me calling you?
[...]
How can you be so cruel?
[...]
What's happened to our relationship? Don't you love me anymore? It used to be that you would come running before I even knew that I wanted you. You would just appear as I was getting ready to make my wishes known. But now, now you leave me here alone! What did I do to deserve this?
I still love you but you don't always need me. Right now you need sleep more.
Even if that's true, you always used to help me sleep.
I did. But when you were younger you needed help falling asleep. Now you are fighting sleep because you'd rather be awake.
So, what if I would? A girl's got to live, hasn't she? Why would I spend two hours lying here sleeping when I could be out and about putting things in my mouth, drooling, and laughing at those fuzzy four-legged siblings of mine? Life is a load of fun and I don't want to miss any of it.
I sympathize but there's an expression you should learn: quality not quantity. If you get a little nap in you'll enjoy your afternoon so much more than if you're overtired -- weepy and emotional, rubbing at your eyes all the time trying to keep them open.
That's not how it would be!
Baloney!
Why don't you give me a chance and we'll see how it goes?
Sorry, kid, mother know best.
Bite me you old hag.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
looking-glass self
I'd love to get my confidence back but the tricky thing is, who is making an accurate appraisal of the situation: the potentially megalomaniacal me that entered a doctoral program certain that the department's decision not to fund me was no indication of my potential; or the stuttering, nail-biting, second-guessing me that sees the departmental decision not to offer funding as the first in a long line of actions and decisions that I should take to indicate my status as a second-rate graduate student with limited potential?
Thursday, February 23, 2006
How to be OK with it, corollary
When I was a kid my mother always said that she saw me as a politician's wife because I was smart and loved a good debate, or a news anchor because I could really shine in front of a crowd. I wanted nothing more than to be the next child star on "Little House on the Prairie," follow in the footsteps of Samantha Smith in bringing an end to the cold war, and, eventually, be a famous* political activist and author.
At some point you look up and realize that you're just an ordinary person who is leading an ordinary life and that what you do is just a job. To make more of it than that is pure arrogance.
*Further, you realize that famous is probably the wrong word. After all, Durkheim, Noam Chomsky, Thurgood Marshall -- these names are largely unknown in society-at-large.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
How to be OK with it, Part I
Shortly after my mom died, I found myself in Barcelona. There is a thousand-year-old cathedral in the old city. The cathedral itself is built on part of the old roman wall. At one time that old city was new. If you walk along the north wall of the cathedral, you can touch cuts in the stone laying at about waist level. Those grooves in the wall, according to locals I spoke with, were created over many years by roman sentinels sharpening their swords. When you place your hand in the grooves, the stone feels cool and smooth. You can stand in front of the cathedral on the same stones that millions of people, mostly long gone and forgotten and, likely as not, unremarked upon in life have walked.
There, in the center of an old city shortly after my mother's passing, I was first struck by the enormity of humanity and the insignificance of the single life.
There is no shame in being one of the nameless and faceless millions who pass through this world quietly. For every Churchill and Shakespeare there are hundreds of lesser known leaders and poets whose memories fade quietly and for each of those there are thousands more whose abilities to organize men and create verse are never noted at all.
I am not suggesting that these lives don't matter. Each of us contributes to the crush and clamor of life at minimum through contact - just like the bouncing electrons we learn about in high school physics. Perhaps, through our everyday efforts we make the world a better place in some George-Bailey-ish kind of way, doing good that produces good. But there is no harm in being unknown and forgotten. Even George Bailey was unknown outside of Bedford Falls.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Book: Nathan Glazer (1997) We Are All Multiculturalists Now
Glazer is mostly critical of the multicultural push, particularly in primary and secondary education. He suggests that multiculturalism is a necessary evil, if you will, a result of the failure of civil rights era reforms to assimilate African Americans. Glazer believes African American assimilation will occur eventually but, the fact that African Americans are alone (he cites evidence that suggests Hispanics and Asians will assimilate in much the same way that earlier immigrant groups did) in failing to assimilate has undercut support for the belief in an eventual race-less American identity. Glazer laments the loss of attention to core American values and mourns the passing of the relative truth of the old "western civilization" perspective on history. He asks if the "center will hold" given erosion of belief in the possibility of americanization, etc.
Gut reaction: Thank you, Mr. Glazer, for your service. Your contributions will not be forgotten. But with all due respect, sir, you have taken us as far as you are able.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Football or baseball?
I started college as a math major but grew frustrated with what I experienced as a gaping, yawning, dark and menacing chasm between the increasing abstraction you experience in upper-level mathematics and, you know, LIFE. In grad school I developed a similar aversion to quantitative work - it feels so far from the nitty gritty that makes things interesting and real.
Don't get me wrong, I loved logic and advanced calc and analysis and all that but it seemed empty and disconnected -maybe kind of like what Lacan says about the slipping of signifiers - in my mind it started being little more than brain candy. Anyway, former little leaguer and citizen of Red Sox Nation I may be, but baseball is a little like that- batting averages, pitching stats, a large sample, all this attention focused on the pitcher facing the batter while everyone else stands aside. Give me a short season with weather and lots of folks on the field contributing to the success/failure or each play. It's messy, unpredictable and complicated in its simplicity (4 tries for 10 yards).
So, yeah, that's what I was thinking about.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Time Capsule
I wonder if this is why my mom's favorite remedies were vinegar, salt water(especially the Atlantic Ocean), baking soda, witch hazel, and freshly squeezed carrot juice.
2006 award for best use of a dying word goes too...
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
You know, she doesn't look black. In fact, she is just about the whitest black person I've ever seen.
I just want to remind [you] about our commitment to Africology 2/22. Our topic is posted as BLACK PhD STUDENTS in the US: Panel on Graduate Education. I'm sorry I have been so busy and gone most of January so this one got away from me. I don't expect a big crowd. I anticipate a casual discussion about our road to graduate studies including a brief discussion about our work.I responded:
Per your request here's my CV. So, my question is, is it OK that I'm white? I certainly am happy to present but I'm not in a position to speak on the topic of being a black doctoral student.Colleague replied:
I know, [islander]. Don't sweat it. You can certainly talk about doing "minority" studies and some of your experiences in that area. I believe that the chair of Africology thinks we're all black..The thing is, though I study race and ethnicity, "minority studies" doesn't really work either because, pathetic as it may be, I am mostly interested in "diversity" as a cultural imperative organizing our everyday approaches to difference.
The other thing is that this (having it assumed that I'm not white as a result of my research or position) has happened to me a few times now.
jitters
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Thanks, Rob (from Watershed, from Birdfarm)! I couldn't have said it better myself!
cover so when
she is holding E,
and
the opportunity to bed it all
the sun disappeared again
See the first 5 months¦ Preferred infant
toy: My head
right now,
I do you please! posted by
islander,
3 or
the ability to be all
reminds me
hold the clouds for a
Better Birth. Pregnancy and lettuce?
Grandma: but at
work. or the intervention train
Both set the first teeth? posted by
islander, continues to some indicators
of the
kind of soup?
Great Grandma: Let her songs. I was 7
You feel sadness
just sticking to just use
of her as we let her face
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Monday, February 06, 2006
You Are 40% Abnormal |
![]() You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at medium risk for having a borderline personality. It is somewhat likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer. |
Friday, February 03, 2006
nothing to complain about
but, still, i feel lonely and pathetic today. it's one of those days when i can feel sadness just sticking to the back half of my eyeballs -- if that makes any sense at all.
it would be nice if i lived close to family or had a close friend or two within shouting distance.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
since at present I seem to be all about "Print Screen"...
Could it be that the campus fake id industry is a casualty of the war on terror?
since at present I seem to be in the business of endorsments...
