Consumed

I'm not really much of a shopper. If I need clothes, I go to Goodwill or the Gap or Banana Republic or something like that and just buy what I need. Usually I go to Goodwill first and then top of a trip to Goodwill with one to the Gap. I usually head to the back of the store (to the sales) first. However, I definitely don't shop around different stores looking for the best prices. I begin to melt down after about 50 minutes of mall shopping. I can last a little longer if shopping at small boutiques (e.g. Portland's Old Port). Furthermore, I would like to be somewhat fashionable but I have absolutely no interest in staying on top of what that means. That is one of the reasons why I like to go to the Gap or Banana Republic - the clothes have been vetted at least a little.

Back when my partner was about to start his faculty appointment, we believed we had "made it" and actually imagined his salary would leave us with much disposable income. One of things I said I would do with my share was to get a personal shopper who could keep me "funky stylish" in clothes that are designed for my shape (relatively larger top half). Ah, those were the days!

Anyway, I digress. I'm not much of a shopper so when I want to get something for E, I try the consignment shop and if it isn't available there I check ebay and if I can't find it on ebay I get it through amazon.com. I like to buy things for other people but only things that I think they really need or would enjoy having. I LOATHE getting countless generic gifts over the winter holidays and DESPISE giving generic, redundant and/or useless gifts just because I need to uphold the norm of reciprocity.

My older brother and his wife are very nice people and I enjoy their company a great deal but we have very different habits and preferences around consumption. They shop. If they have some time to kill there is nothing they like more than heading out to Walmart to peruse. They are always buying DVDs, soda, cheap clothes, those cheesy novelty items like that "mounted" fish who sings (remember?). They spend what I consider to be an obscene amount of cash on stuff like that yet they are horrified that we buy organic milk in the glass bottles, are willing to eat out at expensive restaurants and they begrudge us the traveling we do - they have been hoping to make it to Ireland for some time now. Don't read this as a criticism - in my mind they are the normal ones. So what's the big deal, right? Class distinctions. Taste. Straight-up Bourdieu.

Since E was born they have sent her a package nearly every month. Sometimes they send us cheap shit that goes straight to Goodwill, resale, or, in the case of the sugar-free chocolate bunny that arrived today, the trash. Sometimes they send us really nice and useful things. The packages always contain a variety of things collected from a variety of stores, presumably as they were shopping for fun. I always call and thank them on E's behalf. So, what the big deal, right? Wait. There's more.

They have a child, C, 2 months older than E. I call to ask what C might need and they say that they are all set with clothes because, as they live in Maine near family, they get so many hand-me-downs they are frustrated because they can't clothes-shop for C. My brother actually works at Toys R Us so they are always buying C toys. I've sent them books and developmental toys but I get the sense they aren't thrilled about them and, as I said, I hate buying gifts that people don't want. I just purchased a radio flyer wagon for C. I think that was a pretty nice gift.

So what? Why the long post? Here's what it is. This same brother and his family are much less economically secure than we are. They rent and they struggle to pay the rent each and every month. They have creditors calling them. They qualify for Medicaid and food stamps. My dining room table is from Pottery Barn. Even if we don't have much surplus income, we don't have any credit card debt and we don't forgo many evenings out or trips to Europe. I receive these packages from them which I appreciate for the caring that went into them instead of their contents. Not only should I be reciprocating, I feel like I should be reciprocating in proportion to my means but I don't know how. We offered to fly them out to visit us but they can't take time from work (no paid vacation). I would like to offer to pay their rent one month or to pay for C's diapers or something but I know that they would be offended if I offered something like that.

My partner says that I should try to discourage them from sending us things - encourage them to spend the money on themselves but I know that they really do enjoy sending E packages even if they do wonder from time to time why I am not as generous toward C.

So, there you have it. I am a big privileged jerk.