ersatz

I have so much work to do but I need to procrastinate a little bit and tell you about meeting my dad's new wife and what was noteworthy about seeing the two of them together.

My sister was in town with me. Friday night we went out to buy decorations for the baby shower. After that we went to dinner. We returned to the island on a late ferry and were surprised to see my dad and his new wife snuggled up on the couch watching TV. We expected to beat them home because Dad said that Mary wasn't leaving Connecticut until about 6. We thought that, with the weekend traffic to Maine from "points south," Mary would be lucky to catch the last ferry at 11:30. At any rate, she and dad were watching "Phantom of the Opera." They paused it and jumped right up and Mary hugged us both - except in my case she gave me a one armed hug and used the other hand to grab my belly. So, it started off feeling even more awkward than it would have if Mary had been a little more reserved, but such is life.

I watched the two of them, Mary and my dad, all weekend. In the end I still don't know what I think about Mary. My dad is clearly happy with her which is great to see. However, she is one of those people with a smile that is a little too bright, a voice a little too squeaky and cheerful, and a simpery- sweet demeanor that makes her seem a little unbelievable. You know what I mean? I know that she was likely nervous and trying really hard but, in my mind, she came across as one of those people who is just as likely to sport that tremendous smile when they are breaking your heart as when they are making your day. The issue is, then, is she mostly nice when no one is looking?

Anyway, I feel fine about her despite this reservation about genuineness. In the end the thing that ended up bothering me was my dad's behavior.

Although Mary and my mom are very different in many ways (Mary dresses stylishly, wears make-up, does her hair and nails, and doesn't read to name a few things), they share some characteristics such as having a lot of energy and motivation. My dad clearly counts on Mary to come in and get him organized, washed, and fed.

You must understand, my dad hasn't done a load of laundry since 1969. Once my mother died, he began bringing all his laundry to the cleaners. As far as I know, my dad has never mowed the lawn unprompted, his house is an absolute shambles both in terms of cleanliness and maintenance because he refuses to clean and he won't "maintain" without someone to direct him. My dad has probably shelled out thousands of dollars in late charges since my mom died because he just tosses all the mail into a big pile and goes through it every four or five weeks paying bills in no particular order. This is just a sample of the extent to which my dad doesn't do for himself.

So, I guess I was disappointed when I saw my dad sitting in front of the TV while Mary sorted his bills, waged war on the ant infestation in the kitchen, loaded a shopping cart with all dad's dirty laundry that she would take with her to Connecticut to wash, dry, iron and bring back on her next visit, prompted him to estimate how much paint would be required to repaint the outside trim and to change the oil in the lawnmower, and made a to-do list of the chores she expected him to see to before her next visit.

This seemed all the more disturbing to me when Mary told me that she doesn't clean her own house (she had a house cleaner that comes in every 2 weeks), Dad refused to let her even see his house before she said, "I do," and that the accumulated dust and filth in my dad's house has so aggravated her allergies that her doctor has prescribed new allergy medication, including an inhaler, for her. She excuses all of this by referencing a sob-story Dad apparently concocted about how the mess in the house is not his, but his kids' and about how he got stuck with an old broken-down house that only gets worse because it is ill-treated by his kids. Of course, in the rendition I heard, it was most specifically my older brother and sister-in-law that have so abused my father's house. I was a little shocked to hear from Mary negative things, some exaggerated and others patently false, my dad said about my siblings. I responded, "Believe me, most of this mess is his." She said, "No, he wouldn't leave a mess like this." To which I replied, "Watch out for him, Mary. He is a great guy but he's sneaky. Make sure that you make him pull his own weight."

And ever since I have wondered if my dad is more phony than Mary's smile.