"Thanks again! See you next year!"

Act 1 Solstice
scene 1, they arrive 15 minutes early
Great Grandma: Here's a Christmas book for E and presents for everyone else.
Islander: That's real nice of you Grandma, but we're setting up for the solstice party right now. I'm going to put these away for later, OK?
Great Grandma: Let me hold the baby and you better let her keep that Christmas book!
Islander: I'd rather not. She's quiet and I'm trying to get her down for a nap right now, Grandma. She is really overdue for a nap and I'd like her to get to sleep before the party begins otherwise she'll fuss all evening.
Great Grandma: She should get used to it. [G.Grandma gets right in E's face, no more than 2 inches nose to nose.] Hullo Miss E! [10 decibels]
[E begins to cry loudly]

scene 2, the thick of solstice [approx 30 people mill about, conversing. Rowbear and Tine, islander's siblings are chatting with G.Grandma and G.Grandpa]
Rowbear: So, don't you think this Solstice event was a great idea?
Great Grandpa: No! I'm an American. We don't have solstice. We have Christmas goddammit. And why isn't the TV on? [turns to islander's spouse] Turn on the game, woulddya?
Spouse: No, Grandpa. The TV is put away for the party. Why don't you go into the kitchen and help yourself to a beer and a bowl of soup?
Great Grandpa: All the soups are vegetable soups, that's why! And you don't have any Miller! Goddamn smart-alecky college kids drinking wine!

scene 3, winding down [grandma is holding E, who is crying]
Grandma: I know, they are so mean to you, aren't they. But don't worry. Grandma will make it all better. We'll have a big Christmas tree and lots of presents for you.
[curtain falls]

Act 2 Christmas Lunch

scene 1 [over lunch]
Grandma: You didn't eat enough! You should eat more.
Islander: You said the beans, bread and cheese are vegetarian so that's what I'm eating.
Grandma: That's not enough make yourself a sandwich on the ham roll.
Islander: OK. Do you have any tomatoes and lettuce?
Grandma: No.
Islander: Oh... well I guess I'll just stick with what I've got.
[Islander continues to eat. She is holding a quiet E over her shoulder]
Grandpa: Merry Christmas, E! [Grandpa jovially and loudly approaches E, coming nose to nose. E buries her face in her mother's shoulder and then turns in the opposite direction. Undeterred, Grandpa walks to the other side to be in her sightline and grabs her hand.] I said Merry Christmas!
[E begins to cry loudly]
Grandpa: Hey, no fussing! [spoken sternly, as a reprimand]
[E begins to scream.]
Great Grandma: What a stinker! She's too fussy. Why don't you give her a pacifier?
Islander: We used one for a while, only to help her sleep, though, and we've already taken her off it.
Great Grandma: [horrified gasp] Why?
Islander: It didn't help her sleep and pacifiers increase the risk of ear infection.
Great Grandma: Oh, baloney! You should give her one.
[silence]
Great Grandma: I guess it's time you started her on solids then.
Islander: We've been over this already. Not 'til about 6 months.
Great Grandma: But she's too big! You need to start them now!
Islander: She's fine. Starting before 6 months increases her chance of food allergies.
Great Grandma: I told you before stop reading!
Islander: Look, I'm doing the best I can. When I want your advice I'll ask for it, OK?
[stony silence. islander is simultaneously horrified that she spoke to an elder in such a manner and proud that she put a stop to the criticism, at least in the short term]